homemaking with loojie

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

posted by JCA @ 8:45 AM 0 Comments  

Real Women:

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
 
Real Women - Leftover wine?? Hello!!
 
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Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
 
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who the hell cares!
 
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Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
 
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.
 
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Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
 
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

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Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white powdery mess on the bottom of the cake.
 
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate the SOB for you.

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Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
 
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so don't do it.

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Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbour guy to do it.

posted by JCA @ 11:41 AM 0 Comments  

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it,
English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

posted by JCA @ 5:39 PM 0 Comments  

39 Reasons Why Men Are So Cool

1) Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2) You know stuff about tanks.

3) A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

4) You can open all your own jars.

5) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

6) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

7) You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

8) You can leave the motel bed unmade.

9) You can kill your own food.

10) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

11) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

12) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

13) Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

14) If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

15) Everything on your face stays its original color.

16) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

17) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

18) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

19) Car mechanics tell you the truth.

20) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

21) Same work... more pay.

22) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

23) Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.

24) You don't mooch off other's desserts.

25) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

26) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

27) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

28) You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

29) You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

30) You almost never have strap problems in public.

31) You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

32) The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33) You don't have to shave below your neck.

34) At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

35) Your belly usually hides your big hips.

36) One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

37) You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

38) You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

39) Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

posted by JCA @ 4:27 PM 0 Comments  

Who knew that WD-40 was so useful? I'll keep it in mind if I ever get an artificial limb.

Uses for WD-40:

Protects silver from tarnishing
Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
Gives floors sheen without making them slippery
Keeps flies off cows
Restores and cleans chalkboards
Removes lipstick stains
Loosens stubborn zippers
Untangles jewelry chains
Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
Removes dirt/grime from barbecue grill
Keeps ceramic-terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
Reoves tomato stains from clothing
Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
Camoflouges scratches in certamic and marble floors
Keeps scissors working smoothly
Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles/doors in homes
Gives play gym slide a shine for fast slide
Lubricates gear shift & mower lever for handling ease
Rids chairs and swings from squeaky noises
Lubricates tracks in sticky windows -- opens easier
Spray umbrella stem to open easier
Restores/cleans vehicle leather dashboards & vinyl bumpers
Restores/cleans roof racks on vehicles
Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricylcles/wagons/bicycles
Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers to run smoothly
Keeps rust from forming on saws/blades and other tools
Removes splattered grease on stove
Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
Lubricates prosthetic limbs
Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
Removes all traces of duct tape (!!!)

posted by JCA @ 10:42 AM 0 Comments  

The Tech interviews Jack Valenti.

posted by JCA @ 8:33 AM 0 Comments