final answers: bed and bedding
I finally settled on a bed frame and linens for my bed. No more red-on-red bedding for me -- I'm a grownup now. So to speak.
Here's the bed. It will come with a matching nightstand (not pictured).
And after exhaustive searching, I found the perfect bedding design -- green and purple, carpet-esque and plaid, all of my contradictory tastes gloriously unified by a better designer than I (Mr. Ralph Lauren):
It's called "Rutherford Park." There is actually a Rutherford Park in Victoria, Australia. Maybe they pair plaid with rug designs there.

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